A couple of years ago I stopped at the local high school in Clay County, West Virginia, on the way home from church to indulge in a free dinner offered to veterans by the local Boy Scout troops for Veterans Day. Roast beef. It was great. The scouts did a great job serving, cleaning and each with poise and manners. I had been a scout in my youth and I still remember my oath, “To do my best, to do my duty to God and my country.” They did a great job and were ready and willing to assist. In fact, I could have used their help. I was carrying one of those old type wide cafeteria trays full of food and could have used a hand I was using for my cane. A polite young scout approached me and asked, “Can I help you carry that?” My answer was quick and decisive. “No.” I insisted, “I don’t need any help.” Later, while I was eating it occurred to me that I really could have used a hand. Instead I let my pride keep me and the young man from a mutual blessing muttering a “no,” before I even thought about it.

I began to wonder what it was that made my initial response so reactive. I watched other older veterans wave off help as well. I began to realize that was it. Help. If he hadn’t said “help.” Like I was some “helpless” old man who actually needed help. Well, maybe I actually was. But. That word ‘help’ that was what did it. I began to wonder what it was that the young man could have said to me to make me comply. Yes, maybe I am a hobbled old man. But I don’t want to be seen or treated that way. I want to be seen as, well, as an elder. As a “sir.” That’s it. Respect. That was what I was really looking for. His question of ‘help’ felt more like pity than respect.

I hopped up and found the Scout Master and I immediately related everything that occurred to me. I finished with this: “These men fought and stood when others would not. Most of us still imagine that we can still do everything we need too. We reject helplessness. So, if you really want to assist these men carrying their trays do it this way: say, ‘Sir. I would be honored sir, if you would allow me to carry your tray to your table. Sir?’ I think you’ll get more takers.” He thanked me. He related some of what I said to those scouts that weren’t in earshot. I sat down and finished eating as I watched more and more veterans ‘allowed’ scouts to carry trays. I think everyone got more respect that day.